Well, today at the end of my grief counseling session we were starting to touch on my coming back into society again after being homeless for 6 months recently (about 2 months ago now). I have been thinking a lot about this and would like anyone reading this Blog Post to feel free and comment as I would like other peoples perspective.
I guess these feelings I am having are normal. I will try and express them here in my language just to get them out on paper or the bloggesphere anyway. I feel sometimes recently that I miss living in my van. I know that I have issues with not liking where I am at right now, see I went from living in my van and going to the gym every day to renting a room in some guys apartment. I hate renting rooms cuz you just don't feel like the place is your ya know. I actually felt more like the van was mine and even though I was in constant motion I was at least in "my home" which meant I was not really all the way homeless but that I was "Camping" which is true to some extent. I guess that is how you want to define being homeless in America right now. I call it homeless & Camping.
Anyway, I know that is one reason that I don't like where I am at right now but there is something else as well. There is a clear sense of stepping out of "societies boundaries" and then re-entering society again that I am having issue with at the moment. I have never felt anything quit like that before. It is an adjustment is what some people I have recently talked with that have been homeless have said and assured me of. I am wanting to learn more and that is why I will post this on the Homeless Group- World Homeless Action Day 10-10 as well for others personal input.
I am feeling like I almost did better out there "off the grid" as it were. Now I have to pay rent drive all over spending $ for gas, my time is sucked up again with the usual American society being in California things ya know.. Not that I hate that but I now know two completely different worlds. One where you don't worry and just put yourself into God hands and go with the day being happy and one with the old challenges of being in the flow of society and playing by the rules to a certain extent to be among the rest of the population (that is how I feel). When I truly stepped out of worrying about the normal social boundaries I experienced a great relief. Things like for example: What I valued was not what I was going to get but how I was to survive in this new wold? The thing I came to realize real quick was my health was my true wealth! I started to swim every day cuz I would wake up and go to the Gym to shower. I started to value afternoon naps because my body needed them, I stared to be nice to other people and smile to get the smiles back cuz I had nothing else to do. It was fun and relaxing - looking back. It is like going back to the caveman days in a way.. You give your body what it needs. I was not guilty and knew that I did not intentionally put myself on the streets so that was cool. I just had to CHANGE my thinking and do things and value things differently. I kinda feel guilty for saying this but it was more fun and I enjoyed life more being on the outside like that looking in and living on "the edge". One larger part of me believes that I need to now have to take that experience and grow to give to more and more people hence the website - California Homeless Resources, which I would not give up for the world! I like to be in society and I am "good at it" I look the part and can do it, it is just a shame I guess that the American culture has become so consumed with a bunch of shit we don't need. We get so stressed out with the economy and the fast paced life we are all in to survive and be like the rest of the people that we get nowhere it seems. I am sure this will pass and I will learn a lot from this experience, I already have and this is just one more step in that process. I will for now try to take those feelings and what I learned and bring them into society to maybe make a difference that is all I think I can do? Again anyone please give me your experience of - Coming back into society again...
I think I answered my own question and that is when I stated this in writing above (One where you don't worry and just put yourself into God hands and go with the day being happy) I need to know CONTINUE to grow and bring this new feeling into society with me but in a more healthier way.
Thanks, Matt :)
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